Venting, a lot of venting

It seems that all i ever try to do is make everyone around me happy. trying to make everyone around me happy has always sounded like a great thing but it seems like the more i've tried to make everyone happy the more i make everyone unhappy. I just get trapped sometimes in trying to do what i think would make one person happy, but in doing so, i do something that makes someone else unhappy. the sad thing through all of this is that i hardly ever think about what would make me happy. I'm so concerned with other peoples feeling and making sure everyone is happy that i never look to make sure i'm happy. because of this i have deveoped this reputation as the "nice guy", so therefore if i do anything that isn't catering to someone's wishes i immediately become an asshole. behaivor that would be brushed of for another person becomes percieved as so much worse for me because of my previous behaivor. I guess this is the perfect example of no great deed goes unpunished. I never used believe in the saying "nice guys finish last". however, now i've come to the realization that when someone is nice, peopel realize this and start to take advantage of it (why anyone would try to take advantage of someone who is voluntarrily nice is beyond me). People are just such complete jerks sometimes, they know that you will bend over backwards to help them if they ask, so they start asking for the most ridiculous things. that's not even the worst part, the worst of it is when you say that you can't help them one time, maybe you had plans or don't feel like it, they turn around and try and make you feel like a complete jerk for not being able to help them that one time. when was the last time they helped you? what makes all this even worse is the fact that i feel like i don't want to change, i like being a nice guy and i shouldn't have to change just to be able to do my own thing. i can't stand it anymore, people thinking they know what's best for someone else. you're not in my fucking shoes, you don't know the stuff that's unique to me. Knowing what's better for another person makes sense when someone is a child. when someon is in their mid-twenties you can't possibly know what's best for them. you think because you've lived a few more years that you know what's better? well, you don't. I've never understood the idea that just because you've lived a few more years automatically makes you more experienced. It doesn't. Have you ever gone out and travelled, ever read a book, ever try something that you didn't know. What you do in those years is what determines you experience not the raw number of years. that's the same bull as people claiming you should respect your elders. Don't get me wrong, you should definietely respect, not because they're you're elders, but because they're people. I'm just sick and tired of people treating people in a way that they hated bein treated when they were that age. also, just because someone is doing something that you don't agree with it doesn't mean that you can go ahead and tell them to not do it. it's not like the person is doing something that is harming others. why can't you just let people live their lives the way they want to? they don't want to harm you. but the way you keep them builds a lot of anger and rage inside and even though you may not notice this it's only because i've become a master at hiding my emotions, not letting anyone know how hurt i am inside. just pretend everything is going fine. no one ever asked how are you doing? what do you think? what would you want to do? no, no one knows what i'm thinking when i'm laying in bed trying to sleep, going in and out of sleep. Of course no one knows this, everyone thinks that i'm just fine, just fine. But what you don't realize is that the only reason i'm always smiling, joking and laughing is to make sure the anger and sadnes doesn't come out. You think i'm like you and enjoy myself by just sitting around watching TV, but i'm not, i like reading. You're always amazed that i read so much but it's because it helps me escape. I like nature and it's pretty damn hard to enjoy it when you're indoors. When you wanted to chop down two giant, beautiful pine trees in the backyard, i said no, you thought it was because i didn't want to work on it. When you wanted to concrete the entire front yard i said no, again you thought it was because i didn't want to work on it. You never thought it was because i didn't want to have a front yard with no grass or a back yard with no trees. Sure concrete in the front would require less maintenance but what's the point of having a house if you don't have a lawn. WHat do you think I am, a kid? you expect me to be home all the time and give you specific times when i will be back. Guess what, it ain't happening anymore. If i'm out, i'm out with friends. They may not be the friends that that you would approve of, becuase they're different, but guess what, they're always there for me and they listen to me and don't try to tell me what i should do unless i ask them. I don't want to become like you when i'm older so that i just sit and watch tv all day. i like going out and just hanging out. i'm sorry you never experienced it but that doesn't mean that you should prevent me from doing so or that i'm not going to.